Remembrance
by The Rouge Glow-worm
Summary: What if LanaMariah's LLOA Christmas Cookie didn't need to be written, because Lily hadn't survived? Severus spends his 15th Wedding anniversay Eve in the highest tower of the castle, watching how his life SHOULD have been, had Voldemort not intervened.


** Summary:** What if LanaMariah's LLOA Christmas Cookie didn't need to be written, because Lily hadn't survived? Severus spends his 15th Wedding anniversay Eve in the highest tower of the castle, watching how his life SHOULD have been, had Voldemort not intervened by killing his wife.   
  
** Rating:** Um... PG-13? I dunno how offensive people get about slash.  
  
** Title: **Remembrance  
  
_ A/N: This takes place in Harry's 5th year, it's the (first) ending of Least Likely Of All, compared to LLOA's Christmas Cookie (hope that made sense). It's before Snape find out Harry's his son. Snape's reflecting on his life, when he suddenly gets a vision of Christmas as it would have been had Lily not died. The idea came from "Once Upon a December." I don't know who wrote it, but if anyone knows e-mail me. All Hail J.K. Rowling and LanaMariah, who owns LLOA _[and who thinks this story is absolutely amazing... thanks a million, hon!]._  
_  
_  
__  
__ "Christmas is a time of remembrance… A time to reflect on the good in life, and a time to remember what was taken away from us."_  
  
It was December 24th; Christmas Eve for many of the nations of the world. Snow was falling thickly from the black velvet sky as I stared out the window of the highest tower. Tomorrow was my wedding anniversary. I would be celebrating it up here, alone, remembering better times. For the 15 Chrsitmas Eves' I'd seen since Lily's death, I had been alone, intentionally, to drink myself into a stupor that wasn't there when I woke up in the morning as I'd hoped, it didn't take the edge off of my feelings. I wasn't the drinking type, but tonight....  
  
I picked up a book I had assembled over the years, momentos of ours. Pictures, letters, everything I could find. I ran my finders over the dog-eared pages, letting them flip freely until it reached the back cover. I picked up my quill to mark off another line, one for each year I spent without her. I counted them, although I knew the number that was there -- fourteen years. I could have told you to the year, the month, day, hour, minute, second, and the number of heartbeats I hadn't shared with her, but I kept count nonetheless. Fourteen Christmases without her.  
  
However, this Christmas was different; I had been feeling odd all day, and as I sat in my solitude atop the highest tower in the castle, (one which mischievous students had no access to), the feeling intensified. I was drifting higher than my physcial being was, to a different time. A time, that for me, would never exist again... A time with Lily...  
_  
__ A heavy knock rang throught the house, signaling an arrival at the front door. I saw myself standing and glance at someone I couldn't see. Then I open the foyer doors.There stood Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, with loads of gifts in their arms.__  
__  
__ "Dad, let us in, we're freezing!" exclaimed Harry, his teeth chattering a mile a minute. My dream self took the first few presents off the pile he was holding and stepped aside, allowing both he and Draco to step past him into the foyer.__  
__  
__ "Why didn't you Apparate in?" I saw myself ask. "It would have been a lot quicker and much warmer."__  
__  
__ "We weren't willing to risk leaving presents behind or being splinched." Draco answered, brushing the snow out of his already silver-blonde hair. "Wouldn't have been fair to the kids."_  
  
_ What is this?_ I thought, returning to the North Tower. My breath caught as I heard a woman's voice, so incredibly familiar, as I heard it in my mind every second to this day, waking and dreaming, especially her dying cries...  
  
_ "Harry? Draco? Is that you?"__  
__  
__ "Mum!" Harry exclaimed, running to embrace her. "How have you been?"__  
__  
__ Lily smiled, "Wonderful, son. How are you doing?"__  
__  
__ Harry released his mother and turned towards Draco, who was lingering next to the dream Severus, almost afraid to take a step inside. __  
__  
__ "We're doing good, really good." He smiled, motioning for Draco to join him. I saw myself set down the load of gifts brought by the boys (archenemies, I thought?) under the twelve foot tall Christmas tree sitting in the middle of the large sitting room, where a large group of children were gathered. __  
__  
__ Who are they?__  
__  
__ Two older girls sat talking in one corner of the room, surrounded by plush satin pillows and each eating a red and white candy cane. A younger boy and girl were watching a tiny baby girl who was being held by a boy of about 8.__  
__  
__ Two boys, the youngest boys there, were seated next to the eldest boy in the room, a man of about 18. He was crossing his arms and glaring across the room towards and even though this was a dream, I could hear his thoughts, and they were angry.__  
_  
_'Bastard… what's he doing here? Damn it… Why can't he leave? Fucker…'_  
  
I felt confused, but suddenly I realized something.... the children... all of them looked like Lily and myself, save one of the youngest boys, who had blue eyes. Was it possible..... were these _MY _children? With Lily? What was this madness? I suddenly realized that this was not the first time I had seen these faces; I had seen them many times before, in dreams, each face standing out to me in turn, and I hadn't even noticed it until now. These _ARE _your children, Severus, a voice told me. But what of the blue eyes? Didn't Lily's Papa, Dumbledore, have blue eyes?  
  
And what was Draco doing there? Harry I understood, for I knew there was a possibility that Harry was my son. Lily had made me aware of that before she had died. But Draco Malfoy? With Harry Potter?   
  
I saw my dream self set a hand on Draco's shoulder and guide him to where Lily and Harry were standing. _"How are you doing, Draco?" I asked quickly, setting a free hand on the small of Lily's back.__  
__  
__ "Pretty good," he smiled faintly, inching closer to Harry as we spoke. "I've decided to look for a job; sitting around the flat all day is getting fairly boring."__  
__  
__ "And he insists he doesn't want to watch Quidditch Practice five days a week," Harry grinned, "I was worried for a while, especially when I realized he was serious."__  
__  
__ They were... living together?_  
  
The memory faded, but another one quickly took shape.  
  
It was the same night. Remus Lupin stood in front of Lily, Harry, Draco, and my dream self, with a small blonde child in tow. Her hair had not the golden blonde quality most young children had, but the iced sheen that was the Malfoy trademark.   
  
_ How had this happened?_ I then realized that if I questioned everything in the dream, I would go mad. It would be better to watch now and question later.  
_  
__ "Dad!" Draco exclaimed, standing up immediately and greeting Remus with a hug. Lily rose as well, giving Remus a kiss on the cheek before inviting him to sit down and join us. She resumed her position next to me, curling up into a ball and leaning her head on my shoulder. I greeted Remus in a friendly manner, giving him a small smile.__  
_  
Like the last one, this vision faded and was replaced with another._  
__  
__ The whole group sat in the sitting room, by the large tree I had seen earlier. Presents spilled from everywhere underneath it. I saw myself stand up and observe the children for a few moments. It did not escape me that Harry and Draco's hands were intertwined. But then I began to speak.__  
__  
__ "It's been quite the year, hasn't it?" I smiled, meeting Lily's eyes. "Lorelei came into our family, but she wasn't the only addition; Remus, Draco, and Micah - thank you for joining us tonight."__  
__  
__ The two men nodded, smiling and both raising their wine glasses in a gesture of gratitude.__  
__  
__ "It was our pleasure," said Remus, setting his glass down and allowing me to continue.__  
__  
__ "I know we haven't always been the most stable of families –" with this comment, I saw myself shoot a glance over towards both Harry and the eldest boy, then Lily and Remus. "-and it's nice to finally be able to converse in peace. Truly, that's what Christmas is all about. Not the decorations, not the food, and especially the gifts – sorry boys." the two boys who looked closest in age, twins, I assumed, looked shocked to learn Christmas wasn't about the gifts they received. __  
__  
__ "Family is the most important thing to a human; their family is their comfort zone, their safety net when times get rough…" Once again, the dream Severus glanced over towards Harry and Draco. "All I ask from you all tonight is to throw down the barriers; just be a family tonight. I love you all – yes, even you three, Remus, Draco, Micah – and all I wish is for us to make this a Christmas to remember."__  
__  
__ Lily stood up and made her way over to me, weaving through cross-legged children in her path. Once she reached me, she looped her arm around my waist and looked down at the children, all of whom were excited and anxious to tear into their presents.__  
__  
__ "Go ahead, open them." She laughed, quickly stepping away from the tree as they attacked, pulling me with her. We went to sit down once again, watching the children open their gifts.__  
_  
Tears filled my eyes as this vision started to fade, but then I heard the voice again, not in my ear, but in my head, as clear as though Lil was aside me, thinking it._  
__  
__ "It's been such a wonderful night..."__  
__  
__ Yes, it was Lil. She was talking to the dream Severus, using their shared power of mind reading, who responded.__  
__  
__ "It has, hasn't it?"__  
__  
__ "I want to thank you", She replied.__  
__  
__ "For what, love?"__  
__  
__ "For always being there for me… For loving me all these years… For sticking with me the first few… For being my husband… And for our children."__  
__  
__ "Twenty three years… It's been quite the ride, hasn't it?"__  
__  
__ "I've enjoyed every moment of it, especially the time I've spent with you."__  
__  
__ "Who would have thought it would last this long?"__  
__  
__ "Nine children, love. Who would have thought we would have nine children together?"__  
__  
__ "Ten."__  
__  
__ "Yes, Lil, of course. Ten, I'm sorry."__  
__  
__ "Christmas is a time of remembrance… A time to reflect on the good in life, and a time to remember what was taken away from us."__  
__  
__ "It is… I just want you to know, Lily, that I'll love you forever, no matter what happens."__  
__  
__ "You've already proven that to me… And I'll love you forever as well, Severus."__  
_  
Then the voices fell silent, I was alone in the tower again. The candle I has lit for company flickered weakly and burned out, leaving a trail of smoke that was as impossible to grasp as the wisp of dreams I had just witnessed. No matter how I tried to grab it, hold it for my own, for ever and ever, I just couldn't. I don't remember how long I stayed there on the floor of the tower, searching my mind for the dream and the love it carried, but it was many, many hours before I rose and gave up the vision - and the love it brought - for lost.   
  
And I cried. Cried tears for my wife I had lost, for the children I had never would have, for the child I would have had still, but for Voldemort's murder of her. I sobbed quietly as the sun rose over the early Christmas morning. It was beautifully chilling, but not as beautiful as the dream I had had, that even now I couldn't remember. It had fled, leaving me only with its imprint, one of great beauty and love.  
  
It was a Christmas to remember.  
  
  
_ What am I supposed to do __  
__ With all these blues __  
__ Haunting me everywhere __  
__ No matter what I do __  
__  
__ Watching the candle flicker out __  
__ In the evening glow __  
__ I can't let go __  
__ When will the night be over __  
__  
__ I didn't mean to fall in love with you __  
__ And baby there's a name __  
__ For what you put me through __  
__ It isn't love, it's robbery __  
__ I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me __  
__  
__ Seen a lot of broken hearts __  
__ Go sailing by __  
__ Phantom ships lost at sea __  
__ And one of them is mine __  
__  
__ Raising my glass __  
__ I sing a toast to the midnight sky __  
__ I wonder why __  
__ The stars don't seem to guide me __  
__  
__ I didn't mean to fall in love with you __  
__ And baby there's a name __  
__ For what you put me through __  
__ It isn't love, it's robbery __  
__ I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me __  
__  
__ The ghost of you and me __  
__ When will it set me free __  
__ I hear the voices call __  
__ Following footsteps down the hall __  
__ Trying to save what's left __  
__ Of my heart and soul __  
__  
__ Watching the candle flicker out __  
__ In the evening glow __  
__ I can't let go __  
__ When will the night be over __  
__  
__ I didn't mean to fall in love with you __  
__ And baby there's a name __  
__ For what you put me through __  
__ It isn't love, it's robbery __  
__ I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me.*  
  
*BBMak, The Ghost of You and Me  
_  
  
  
  
  



End file.
